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Why Christian Pre-marital Counseling?

Love is long suffering, and is kind; love has no envy, love is not boastful, love does not behave itself inappropriately, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices not in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes everything, endures everything . 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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These beautiful words hold us to a high standard. That is why it has been said that before marriage one ought to open our eyes wide, but afterwards keep them half closed. In order to hold up this standard, so necessary for a marriage to work, we need to choose wisely. To decide if you are ready for marriage, you need to choose someone you can trust, because distrust erodes a relationship, and so does undeserved trust. You also need to know what your responsibilities to the marriage partner are so that you can evaluate yourself realistically. These two things can be done with the help of pre-marital therapy.

Why do you need Christian pre-marital therapy? The quote above is from the Bible. The greatest book of love is the Bible. The book of Luke is considered by many to be the most beautiful book ever written. The book of Luke, as well as the gospels of Mathew, Mark, and John, tells how Jesus died to save us - the believers and now the church- from our sins. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, giving himself up for it . Ephesians 5:25. God is the expert, par excellence, on love.

There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist, a social worker, a professional counselor, or a psychiatrist for pre-marital and marital therapy. In fact I would encourage you because churches sometimes give only six sessions of pre-marital couple therapy, or group pre-marital therapy with non professional married couples as group leaders and this is barely just enough. Many couples who have received pre-marital therapy say that it helped them but that they wish they had received more therapy. There is so much need in the church for marital, family, addiction, and other kinds of counseling, that there is not enough pre-marital therapy. I would recommend supplementing the church s pre-marital therapy with other pre-marital counseling.

However, Christian pre-marital counseling adds a dimension that secular therapies do not usually have. For example, the Christian counselor advises couples not to have sex before marriage. In his book on dating, Boy Meets Girl, Pastor Joshua Harris explains how a manager of a hotel for honeymooners would run out of activities for the newly married to do. This was because the now bored couples had pre-marital sex. Whereas, Joshua and his wife, who did not have sex prior to marriage, hardly left their room!

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In the city where I live there is a saying among the non-believers. They say that marriage kills sex. But it is not marriage that kills sex, but pre-marital sex that kills marriage. I knew of one couple that lived together and had sex everyday before to marriage. After marriage, the wife confided, they had sex once a month. It is not worth it to ruin twenty five or more years of marital sex for one year or even less of pre-marital sex.

If you are contemplating marriage and you are living together, you must move apart and stop having sex for a time until you get married under the guidance of the pastor or Christian counselor. Physical intimacy is like a battery. It becomes charged with non sexual activities and gives off energy with sex. Do not skip that pre-marriage charging time.

When thinking about what pre-marital therapy is, people have different points of view. One woman tells how she was looking forward to marital therapy thirty years ago. I thought that we would receive counseling courses about marital responsibility, but the entire time, the courses, which were called marital counseling , were about catechism. She was disappointed as were many people in the course.

Decades later, now divorced, she expects that marital counseling should be about what marriage is, what people expect it to be, and what it will really be like. Dr. Wayne Mack makes a point that partners differ in expectations and should not wait until marriage to discuss these differences.

Dr. Nancy Alvarez, secular psychologist and sexologist says that some men want marriage with weekends off. That means they spend weekends drinking with their male friends as if they were single, instead of being with their wife. Obviously, that does not work out. Couples should also discuss why they are in love with one another. It has been observed that some people become happy when they hear why their betrothed wants to marry them, others become angry.

It is certainly natural for a marital counselor to talk about spiritual intimacy. In the book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women, Christian marital experts Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg explain how there are two kinds of intimacy in marriage, physical and spiritual. Differences in religion could lead to a lack of understanding and different values. But not everything is religion.

Counselor Grisel L pez of El Sendero de la Cruz Christian Church in Puerto Rico explains that even in the case that the couple is of the same religion, some couples do not have compatibility of ministries. For example, if both are church leaders, and one sings in the altar and the other preaches, they are compatible. But if one is training to be a foreign missionary and the other is a pastor of a local church, then one of the two will have to give up his or her dreams for the success of the other, because they can not make both dreams come true and live together happily at the same time.

She adds that even church leaders, who know the Bible in general, still need pre-marital counseling. Some churches do not require pre-marital counseling for church leaders because the leaders know Christianity well, yet the divorce rate for Christians is about the same as for non-Christian marriages.

According to Dr. Wayne A. Mack, some of the things covered in pre-marital counseling are relations with in-laws, making a budget together, comparing differences in the way each one expresses love, good communication (a factor in most marital problems), and conflict resolution. It is important to plan ahead how you will approach problem solving, not waiting for the problems to begin and then start by seeking marital therapy. This is because there will be problems anyway so reducing their volatility will prevent bad memories that are hard to forget later.

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Dr. Mack s workbook, Preparing for Marriage God s Way, can be used both in addition to marital therapy, (or independently, for those persons who live in areas where there is little availability of Christian pre-marital therapy). Two copies of the workbook are used. Each member of the couple reads and fills out the answers individually. Then the couple meet and discus their answers together. Mack suggests they can make note of significant differences and seek therapy for those issues as well.

Pre-marital counseling can be fun also. You get to take personality tests with your betrothed, learning more about each other in the process. Or it could lead to more deeper and interesting conversations to talk with your loved one. Some people think they already know each other well. But even people who have been married twenty years face surprises.

You should also find out some of your betrothed s faults in the process. There may be faults that you understand about, this is called unconditional love. But there could also be faults that you do not tolerate. Some things are not negotiable like giving little importance to fidelity. Others might not matter to one husband, for example, that his future wife likes a relaxed style of housekeeping, as long as she is a business woman, but it could matter a lot to another man.

Counselor Grisel L pez teaches that the best way to find your ideal love is to tell the truth about how you are so you can find someone who will be happy with you instead of turned off. If you do not reveal your faults you will not know if it is safe to relax your guard with your betrothed and find the joy of being loved as you are.

Joshua Harris book, Boy meets Girl; Dr. Wayne Mack s workbook, Preparing for Marriage God s Way; and Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg s book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women; are available in English at the author s Christian Bookstore link:
http://www.family-moment.com/cgi-bin/view.cgi/wm246863/storeframe.html

About the Author

Wilma Melendez has been a born again Christian for 18 years. She attends El Sendero de La Cruz Christian Church in Puerto Rico and is a counseling student of their Theological Seminary. She studies the Bible auto didactically using books from her online Christian bookstore: http://www.family-moment.com/cgi-bin/view.cgi/wm246863/storeframe.html
Her home page is at http://www.webspawner.com/users/howtopray/

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Forever And Ever Amen

 by: Rose DesRochers

I’m gonna love you forever & ever, forever & ever Amen. I love that song by Randy Travis. I have to ask why it is that so many people are looking for greener grass. You know there may be times, when the grass isn’t really greener on the other side of that fence. Are you looking to spark a new flame instead of relighting the one already lit? Ask yourself why, yes a new relationship is new and exciting but what happen when that fire dies out of that relationship? You could spend the rest of your life always looking for that perfect relationship. Before you say the relationship is over, we have to ask ourselves the question. What is it we are running from?

The kids are fighting again, the toilet is plugged, the phone is ringing and your wife is nagging because you didn t fix that broken door. Does this scenario sound all too common in your life? Your asking yourself was this marriage a mistake? So life is not like a Cinderella fairy tale. Ask yourself why you married your spouse, because you were in love right? Kids are born, things breakdown, jobs are lost, love ones die and through all of the ups and downs comes the time you need to reflect on one another.

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The reward can be found in the one you are with. Dig deep within yourself to find what first attracted you to him or her. When looking over the fence at greener pasture. We need to look at the roots and not just what sits above the surface. Fertilizer will turn most any lawn green. Remember the dress you were wearing when you first turn his head, the first song you ever dance to or the first thing you ever said to her that made her laugh that girlish laugh of hers that you so love. It is easy to loose sight of our partner in the day-to-day hyper routine of our lives .In finding a rekindled beauty, a passion; we may just find that “There is no place like home”. That you do not want all the years you put into your marriage and all the memories to end. You may see that the grass was not greener on the other side; but green right under your own feet.

Reflect on the first time you saw your spouse, what was it that stood out about them? What about the moments when you were sad and lonely, who was it that came through for you? Remember when your children were born, the feelings you both shared at that moment. Take yourself back to the hospital room. Communication is the biggest thing in a marriage. After the kids are gone to bed sit down and reflect on the memories. It is time to bring up funny stories or memories you both shared through out the years. When fighting let the past go, only bringing up past mistakes hurt each other more and more. Don’t point out each others short comings. So what if he doesn’t put the seat down on the toilet, or she farts in bed. We all have short comings. Maybe you should examine just what your own short comings are instead of always focusing on your spouses.

Concentrate on intimacy between each other more by touching each other more, the lightest touch can tell your partner you re still very much in love with them. Perhaps give him a peck on the cheek, a brush of the shoulder, a smile from across the room or lay your head on his lap while watching a movie. You married for better or for worse and love and marriage it is a commitment you both made. Marriage is anything but easy, but no relationship is.

There is no reason why you can t live out your fantasy with your spouse and most of all take time for each other. Maybe that nice girl you married is that naughty girl you re fantasizing about. Why not find out.

The best gift you can give to your children is to love one another.

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About The Author Rose DesRochers, admin@todays-woman.net Very well. Further insight to the piece of the article would be a fun to the specialist. Continue reading, you’ll find some more awareness. http://www.todays-woman.net Rose is a published author from Canada Ontario and is also the founder of http://www.todays-woman.net a community for men and women over 18, where writers/poets/columnists meet and exchange ideas, contest, rate and review and help each other succeed in the writing industry. Check out Rose’s first poetry book “She is like the wind ” here and purchase poetry that is sure to be a world of emotion on a canvas that is her soul.

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Personal Injury Solicitor - 5 Things To Consider Before Choosing

 by: Mumtaz Shah

Making sure you have the right personal injury solicitor to represent you in your accident compensation claim is vital. However, with so many people claiming to be accident compensation solicitors, how can you possibly know which accident claim solicitor is going to be the best one for you?

Simple, ask the following 5 questions:

1. Is The Personal Injury Specialist Qualified To Handle Your Accident Claim?

May sound rather like a silly question, but today most solicitors elect to specialise in particular areas of law. As such, you need to make sure your solicitor specialises in accident injury claims before you appoint them.

Keep in mind that if your chosen accident claim solicitor does not specialise in this particular area of law then they are unlikely to know what the current trends in the law are and this could end up costing you money. Moreover, the area of law dealing with accidents tends to be highly specialised requiring certain medical terminology skills.

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Again, if your solicitor is not aware of these, it could end up costing you! So, before agreeing to hire an accident solicitor, make sure you ask if he/she has current experience in this area of law. You may even want to ask if their law firm has a specialised accident injury department. If they don’t, you should possibly consider going to another law firm that does.

2. Is Your Personal Injury Solicitor Taking Any Charges From You?

When you and your accident claim solicitor sign a Conditional Fee Agreement (CFA) you want to make sure that in the agreement the solicitor is going to claim for all of their fees and expenses from the opponent and not from any accident compensation you receive.

If the solicitor gives you any problems here, don’t hire them and remind them of the Access to Justice Act which permits them to claim all reasonable costs from the other party!

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3. Out-Of-Pocket Expenses?

Most personal injury solicitors love to include a clause in the CFA that you are going to be responsible for all out-of-pocket expenses. Out-of-pocket expenses can include any medical treatment you receive at the request of your accident compensation solicitor, any overtime incurred by the solicitor’s staff, telephone and fax charges, etc.

The solicitor should be responsible for these costs which should be re-claimed from your opponent. However, be warned: the courts will only allow you to claim ‘reasonable’ costs and only on the basis of you winning your case.

4. Is The Accident Compensation Solicitor Aiming To Settle Or Go To Court?

Sometimes, though not always, solicitors don’t listen to the wishes of their clients and instead go after what they believe the law entitles their client to claim. As such, if you want to settle the claim, rather than go to court, you should ask your accident claim solicitor whether they have any objection to such.

Conversely, if you want to go to court, but your solicitor is advising that you settle the claim, you should discuss this with them to see if there are any adverse effects for taking your accident compensation claim to court.

5. What Happens If You Lose?

Solicitors are expensive so what happens if you lose? You need to ask this question of your accident claim solicitor to see if he/she is willing to insure your claim against the chances that you may lose.

Keep in mind that if you do lose it is not your personal injury solicitor who is going to be reasonable for the fees and expenses that have accrued to-date, but you! And you don’t want to be the victim of the same accident twice, so don’t listen to any discussions about how you cannot lose and make sure you have adequate protection should the impossible actually happen!

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About The Author Mumtaz Shah It’s easy to make a compensation claim with a personal injury solicitor, if you ask! Learn more at http://www.100percent-compensation.co.uk/articles/personal-injury-solicitor.html and get a free assessment!

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Pester Power Are we raising wanting machines ?

Ok so it s coming up to Christmas and despite our every effort to the darling teenagers in our lives, this time of year has turned into nothing more than a shop front.

I have to say, I was shopping the other day with my 7-year-old and we saw a Bratz House. We looked at it and I was astonished at a price tag or 189. I could not believe it, for a plastic house! This was great as it allowed for us to have a conversation about money, however my heart went out as I know that many Parents will be pestered and pestered for that house and Parents all over the country will give in to make their children happy. The power of advertising!

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What has happened, we appear to have created a group of Parents who cannot say no. Parents seem unwilling to set limits or draw the line anywhere. Is it that they feel more guilty as so many of them are working such long hours, is it that our kids have just got better at asking, or is it that the advertising is just so good that we just cannot say no?

Whatever the reason, I have to say that I am concerned that we are raising a generation who are wanting machines , who respond to the marketing aimed right at them. They are growing up with a distorted sense of entitlement and we risk the next generation becoming self-centred and self-absorbed and growing up into adults that simply do not care.

And the figures are staggering.

According to market research, Families of 3-12 year olds now spend $53.8 Billion annually on entertainment, personal care items and reading material, $17.6 billion more that 1997.

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And there is another worrying thought, does over-indulgence have a bad effect on school performance and relationships? Kids who get their own way most of the time are very demanding and much less likely to be able to form long-lasting, sustainable relationships with people.

So what do we do?

1.Get clear what you want as a Parent

Most of us are so clear about trying to please our children and give them what they want that we forget about what we want. And I don t mean material things, I mean what you want out of life what do you want as a Parent, what is your purpose for being a Parent. Now it may be that your purpose is to give your children absolutely everything they want and if that is the case, you are on course. If however, like me, your purpose is to raise a responsible and independant young adult who is caring and compassionate, what you are doing may be against where you really want to be.

So next time they say, Mum can I have ? check in with what you want as a Parent and see if it fits.

2.Set a limit

I know it may seem obvious, but most Parents don t do it. Set a limit you are willing to spend on your child and let them know. Tell them that you want to feel good about Christmas too and that you are only willing to spend this much because Christmas is about so much more. Be very clear that no matter what, you will not go over that limit.

3.What do they really think it will give them?

If they still continue to pester and pester, ask this question, What do you think having that will give you? I know you may stump them, but they will answer and if they don t know, then why do they want it in the first place? When they tell you what they think having that thing will give them, ask them how they can get more of that into their lives now. When we do this we realise that actually we did not want the thing, but only the quality we thought the thing would give us.

4.Encourage entrepreneurism

Now this one will really stop them, if they continue to ask, say that you are not prepared to pay for it and ask how you can support them in getting it. Now first they may turn to all the illegal things and they may need some prompting. You may need to ask how they can get the money; encourage their creativity. Maybe they will sell things on E-bay, train others how to use Excel or build websites for others.

5.Giving vs. receiving

I play this game all the time with my 7-year-old. I teach her about giving and receiving and how they fit together. How, if you want to let something into your life, you need to let go of something in return. So when she asks for something, I ask what she wants to give in return. Now I don t do this to be mean or have her think about lack, I have it to open her up to the fact that money moves - it is not stagnant. I want her to understand the concept of giving and not just that of receiving. I can tell you, it has an amazing effect, She often changes her mind, she realises that she does not want it that much so she leaves it. When she wrote her Christmas list this year, the first thing that she asked for was something for someone else. So use this concept, start a system of giving versus receiving. They may not respond at first. but keep trying it. Use it yourself first, start showing your child how you yourself incorporate it.

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So this Christmas make a stand, decide that you are going to raise a responsible independent young adult who cares about others and is not just a wanting machine .

About the Author

Sarah Newton the UK’s Top Teen Coach and a strong advocate for Teen empowerment, personal leadership and development. An ex-police officer, Sarah’s life changed when the 15-year-old boy she led to a cell committed suicide because his life wasn’t worth living. She dedicated the next nine years of her life working with Teens to discover how to make a difference in the lives of young people who seemed unreachable.

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